Sunday, August 24, 2008

Jumping For Joy

Today marks a month in a half! Yippee!
I am just thinking in a little over a month the countdown timer will be in single digits and that will feel great! Another week coming to a close and another one beginning.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Lets Be Honest

I think it is very important to be honest especially if you are public with how things are REALLY going...there is no point lying about the trialing times. Life is not always full of smiles and peaches (at least I hope not, because I would have to
This week has been the worst week I have had in a long time. Me and Luke have had our own personal battles and have spoke less with one another this week. It is hard fighting with each other thousands of miles apart...but you choose to pick your battles and decide what is really important. Being apart is just starting to get difficult...I think we just both realize that we are unhappy, not with each other, but just in terms of where we want to be in life. It helps to speak of the future, Lucas getting out of the military, being closer to family, having our own family (which I think is well and just living a "normal" life. No more moving every year and not having a stable life. It was fun when we were younger, I feel so old, but now it is just getting annoying having to completely pick up and start over again...I have lost so many really great friends and it is becoming harder and harder. I miss North Carolina a lot, but the grass is always greener on the other side! That I have truly learned...I just need to learn to be happy with what I have and not worry about what I don't.
This time apart is helping me to find myself and discover things that I need to work on. I think Lucas is also figuring such things out too and what he wants out of his life and for OUR future which is important. We are still young and figuring out who we are and want to be...I'm just glad we can accept each other as we change. Nothing seems to make sense right now, but staying positive is one thing I can do the best...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sadness Is Natural During This Process

Im Sad!
This blog always makes me sad when I login to look at it or write a blog. I have to just sit and stare at all the pictures and it makes me miss him so freaking much! I keep having flashbacks of the night that I dropped him off, the way he hugged me, the way his 5 o'clock shadow brushed against my face (miss that) and the tears that clouded my vision. This is so depressing, but it is hard to not think about that last moment we shared and I wish I would have told him I loved him or kissed him just one last time. Yeah I know, it wouldn't have made me miss him less, but I long for those things that I think are easy to take for granted! Trust me, this experience is very humbling and makes you realize exactly why your life is amazing and why you are married to this person. Sometimes life takes that does with everyone and if it doesn't for you, you are lying! LOL.
My favorite season is coming up...autumn. I love it and I miss Luke was here to share it with me. He knows my favorite holiday is Halloween and too bad we couldn't pass out candy together again this year! I know he enjoyed it so much last
*sigh* Another day down.......

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Exactly 1 Month, 1 Week Under My Belt

I went through and looked through all of my previous posts and just remember the EXACT feeling I had when I sat at the computer pounding out the words on the keyboard...devastated, crushed, sometimes crying, but hopeful for the future. I could not be happier to be sitting here, 1 month, 1 week stronger. Although it has been just a short amount of time, I am just content with not being a "newbie" to this situation although I kind of still am. I just have faced some hard times and I can honestly say that I am in the category of women that not everyone can put themselves in, the strong and a category where others see as extraordinary. I have so much more respect for people who go through this because it is not as easy as it seems. I thought...what a walk in the park, but while the world turns and time slowly goes by, people live their lives while you are putting yours on hold for that special person. Lucas is well worth that. Seeing my friends go through this helps to keep me human and my feelings are validated through them and it helps to know that I am not alone when sometimes I feel like I am very alone. Today is a good strong day and it is almost over. Another week down...I miss family more and more as I speak with them on the phone. I'm missing out on so much, but we will be close one day and it will feel good being a driving distance away. I definitely realized I have spent most of my life just missing people! For now...its more days down and a more anxious feeling to see the man that I love and miss more than words could explain.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

2 Worlds Apart

As I gaze, gaze, and gaze some more at the countdown, 145 days seems like an eternity! I feel like the days keep flying by but not so much on the countdown. I just can't wait for single digits, triple digits just seems like forever...better yet eternity!

I believe now is when the hard part will begin for me. Lucas and I have gone through so many month long trips apart which became easy to do, but we have never had to go much longer than a month. Now that the month marker is here, I have been really impatient! I want to do things that I see other people doing. Just simple things like go to the movies, go out to eat somewhere special, or even someone to snuggle with in bed...all things that get taken for granted. It makes you really appreciate the time you have with the person you love the most.

Tension has been high between us both, we, especially Lucas, misses family a ton. He said that it was cool at first to be in a new place, have a new experience, but he is just ready to be home with everyone and I don't blame him. He is working constantly in really hot conditions and I guess the rules are very strict, Lucas almost got suspended from going out a couple weekends ago. So I am sure he misses his freedom! This is the point where the work begins and the true test starts.

To Lucas,

Things are hard I know, but we can make it through this together. We have been through much worse trialing times and made it out on top. Not everyday is going to be peachy and sunny, but it is only because we miss and love each other. There are no words that I can write out in this blog to possibly express how I feel about you! Stay strong, we all love and miss you dearly. Remember, we are like peanut butter and jelly...we just fit perfect together! LOL...;)

Love you!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

1 Month Milestone

Here are some more pictures from Okinawa. The pictures of the water and landscape are truly amazing and beautiful, it is hard to believe it is real and Lucas is there. California is beautiful, but it is hard to believe that places like paradise really do exist! Hopefully one day I will be so lucky to be in paradise!
Things have really begun to pick up around here. I have been constantly busy with things that leave me exhausted and not really having time to think too much which is very good for me. I am definitely back in school mode which stresses me out due to the overload of reading and homework, but if I didn't have that, I would be bored. When Lucas comes home I will be almost graduated...6 more months (have a year now). Lucas and I have gotten webcams to talk to one another and it has been good to actually see him when I am talking to him and vice versa. Duke and Bandit began freaking out wondering where Lucas's voice was coming from and Duke kept running in the other rooms trying to figure it out...poor thing! He misses him a lot I can tell.
Well it is officially a month today, hard to believe, but 2 months here we come!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

It's The Little Things

I find myself having a bad day, but finding the little things that turn it all around. This week has been hard, I miss Lucas more than ever and this is when I believe it is going to get hard. We have been through so many month long departures and this just feels like another one of those and especially as we are approaching a month this weekend. I don't know if things will get easier until that 5th or 6th month...This deployment stuff is hard work! I feel exhausted just trying to keep my mind off of Lucas and concentrate on other things. Today was another not so good day, but as I was looking at the countdown clock I am excited about seeing a 4 instead of a 5 and it is just those small things that keep me going. Although time may feel like it is standing still, that countdown shows just exactly how close I am to seeing him again. It may sound dumb, but as every number gets lower I grow more and more anxious. I just keep reminding myself, at least I have all these days done. I've really grown to be a more positive person because it is all I can be is positive and be strong for our families and for him. Like always, I love mine and Lucas's family to death and keep the letters coming! He says he enjoys them and gives him a piece of "home." Love you all!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Living For Today

Today was a horrible day!
I am so feeling not ok and it was hard enough getting up to go to work, but I had also got up at 2:30a.m. and did not fall back asleep until 5:30a.m., but surprise! I had to get up an hour later! So I was crabby...and being sick did not help my sleep deprived state. Today I just really miss Lucas. I was kind of content with being alone and having "me" time but I am now sick of that and it didn't take long! I keep thinking..."Meggan wake up from this bad dream." but that is just what this feels like, so not real. Is he REALLY gone for 6 months? Is he REALLY going to miss out on Birthdays and Holidays? I am trying not to think about all that negative stuff, I really am. I guess having a bad day will just make everything else around you 10 times worse. All I know is the phone calls that I get in the middle of the night from him keeps me smiling, stronger, and hopeful. It amazes me how his voice and now being able to see him through his web cam, helps to calm me and think positive again. I think that just shows each other how much we love one another and really rely on each other to get through this together. We have fought a lot leading up to this deployment, but I believe it was because we were pushing each away from feeling the hurt of really losing someone, but we are drawing each other back in and it feels good being so close, but so far away from him. It truly tests your character and love...I am glad that I am going through this test with him and it will only make us stronger. Hell...We have been through everything else...whats one more thing we haven't been tested on right? ;) Living for today is all I can do...lets just hope tomorrow comes and goes just as fast! Love to you all from both of us!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

3 Week Mark!

Can you believe that it has already been 3 weeks? Yeah! LOL, 3 weeks has seemed like forever, but as I start to occupy my time better it seems to be slipping more and more easily through my fingers.
Today I am feeling a little sick, the flu has been going through the daycare I work at and I think it finally caught me and kicked me in the butt. I work up at 6 a.m. with unbearable pressure on my face and it could be my sinuses and I have a sore throat and body chills and aches. Just yucky! But despite how I was feeling I had a great deal to accomplish today. I planted flowers that I was dying to do since we moved here...they look beautiful! Definitely an experience as I never really knew it took so much effort! I also mowed the neglected lawn and trimmed the bushes. Just when I thought I was done...I had to clean the house and do laundry! Sigh! Now it is time to maybe take a nap and just relax. School starts up again on Tuesday, I had a little break in between classes, so that will also keep me occupied. I love school, but I am so ready for it to be over with. Just one more year! I think about my family a lot and how much I miss them! I do not know what I would do without everyone's support both family and friends! My friends are nice to talk to about everything because they have been there and are going through it right now. Others have a hard time relating and just don't know what to say, but I tend to keep what is going on out of the way of everything. I am finally good with the whole situation and it has been a while since I've had a bad day because of it. So! Let time keep marching on and on so we can get this over with! Love you all!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

It's A Pretty Big Deal

Today was a historic day! You know it is bad what you are blogging about it, but gas officially is under four dollars here. I was amazed moving how here what difference there was in gas prices from Minnesota to California and it was a BIG difference! When arriving here, gas was almost at five dollars a gallon and I was beginning to think it was getting out of hand. It is hard to believe that I remember when my brother was driving to high school and gas was hitting a dollar something and that was even a big deal. Crazy how things change. I sound so old when I say..."Back in the day...It cost me..." lol. I am so happy today that gas went down because like many people out here, our commutes are at least 10 to 20 minutes and I have to drive around 10 to 15 miles just to get to work, so I am smiling that I won't feel as big of a hit to my wallet...Lets just hope that it keeps going down and not up!

This wave of "gas" emotion hit me on my way out of a lonely day of shopping by myself. A real loner I am, I know, and I hate shopping by myself and Lucas was never fond of me dragging him along. I have yet to find someone "special" enough to drag along with me! LOL. It is times like these that I wish I had Lucas by my side. It is nice to hear other peoples feelings when you have doubt lingering and most of the time, Lucas's point of view was the deciding factor! ;) I need someone to visit to do some shopping damage on San Diego!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Pain? What Pain?

I can't believe that this Sunday will already be 3 weeks since Luke left. In so many ways it has gone by slow, but if I sit and think about it, it has really flown by, like so many told me it would. I can honestly say that I haven't cried for about 2 weeks now and I am beginning to just accept it for it is and what it is worth. There is nothing I can do about my situation but make the most of what I have. I think about him all the time, when I am at work, while I watch T.V. and just wonder what he is doing at that very second. Missing him is what I do best!